Saran Wrap
Do you remember when your heart first began to harden? It was likely in your rookie year when cynicism began to creep in and the lines were drawn between "dirt bags" and "us". I have often thought about how I came from begin a decent and soft natured young man at twenty to a hardened and cynical cop at thirty five. Having lost my heart and soul for many years I pondered whether it was an immediate donning of the armour around my heart or whether it was more gradual.
I began to visualize this process as a protection of sorts. When we look at the power and impenetrability of saran wrap when it is layered over and over, this seemed to me like a helpful visual of what had taken place. While the saran wrap layers likely began much earlier in life, I suspect that the daily grind of policing caused a continual wrapping of the layers.
I remember doing my first "bar walk" in uniform and for the first time was very aggressively called an "f'ing pig". Twenty years old and pimple faced I stood.... not sure how to respond but knowing I should not back down. Why do I remember this twenty five years later? Obviously it had an effect on my heart. The wrapping began.
Through the years of confrontation on the streets, and confrontation within my policing "family" the layers built up. The first time I found a co-worker taking notes on me, due to some professional jealousy, I was crushed. Another layer of saran wrap and another incident seemingly designed to bring my trust level down and my hardness of heart up.
How many good cops will tell you that the biggest stressors in policing are the internal politics, backstabbing, gossip, and even career sabotage. When crisis hits, our leaders will speak of policing as a "family". I cringe whenever I read or hear of that descriptor. In reality if we are a family then we can certainly confess to our dysfunction can't we?
Thankfully, within that family, one finds other hearty souls who, while still flawed, have a goodness at their core. Kindred spirits if you will, who may laugh and cry, support and celebrate with you. How blessed I was to have many in my career. How blessed I am to have had some of them help me cut through the saran wrap to a restoration of goodness and hope. How about you? Have you considered how thick that saran wrap may be now? Do you desire to pierce through it so that you may love and care again?
I began to visualize this process as a protection of sorts. When we look at the power and impenetrability of saran wrap when it is layered over and over, this seemed to me like a helpful visual of what had taken place. While the saran wrap layers likely began much earlier in life, I suspect that the daily grind of policing caused a continual wrapping of the layers.
I remember doing my first "bar walk" in uniform and for the first time was very aggressively called an "f'ing pig". Twenty years old and pimple faced I stood.... not sure how to respond but knowing I should not back down. Why do I remember this twenty five years later? Obviously it had an effect on my heart. The wrapping began.
Through the years of confrontation on the streets, and confrontation within my policing "family" the layers built up. The first time I found a co-worker taking notes on me, due to some professional jealousy, I was crushed. Another layer of saran wrap and another incident seemingly designed to bring my trust level down and my hardness of heart up.
How many good cops will tell you that the biggest stressors in policing are the internal politics, backstabbing, gossip, and even career sabotage. When crisis hits, our leaders will speak of policing as a "family". I cringe whenever I read or hear of that descriptor. In reality if we are a family then we can certainly confess to our dysfunction can't we?
Thankfully, within that family, one finds other hearty souls who, while still flawed, have a goodness at their core. Kindred spirits if you will, who may laugh and cry, support and celebrate with you. How blessed I was to have many in my career. How blessed I am to have had some of them help me cut through the saran wrap to a restoration of goodness and hope. How about you? Have you considered how thick that saran wrap may be now? Do you desire to pierce through it so that you may love and care again?
posted by Bob S at 2:15 p.m.
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home