Mistakes

I remember as a rookie cop in Cranbrook B.C. the first time that I had a member of the public complain about my conduct. Admittedly, I had made a mistake, and I could have denied it. It was their word against mine. I spoke with a wise, if not somewhat cynical, old cop who told me that a cop who is not having someone complain about them is a cop who is not doing their job. I also recognized the personal power that came from admitting mistakes and errors in judgment. I admitted my mistake and found that the only consequence that came was in the positive form of learning from that mistake.

Years later, my son had almost electrocuted himself by laying a stainless steel chain across the prongs of a lamp plug and then plugging it in. When I asked him about it he began to fudge the truth, making it look accidental as opposed to intentional. I had a great opportunity to teach a valuable lesson that, hopefully, will stay with him for his lifetime.

"We all make mistakes" I told him, but when we cover up those mistakes we are entering in to a whole different area of deceit and character flaws that, if left unchecked, can become a way of life.

My son, just months earlier, had been present when my error in judgment was admitted at my RCMP internal disciplinary hearing. I admitted that my decision to give media strategy documents concerning outlaw motorcycle gangs to an author was a mistake. What I could not say though, was that my motives behind this decision were false or personally motivated. My motives were valid, serious and highly concerning to the public good and safety. What I did with my concern was the error in judgment.

I remember the day that I admitted my mistake as if it was yesterday. Police officers were speculating that another cop had leaked these otherwise benign documents. My mistake was bringing about speculation and judgment, and could have cost taxpayers money and cops time as they investigated other persons for the leak.

It did not take me long to remember a short chapter on mistakes that I had read in Steven Covey's Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. I knew what I had to do. It was one of the most influential and empowering decisions I had ever made in my life. I entered the office of the Commanding Officer and told him what I had done. The resulting consequences- later fuelled by anger and inappropriate political influence- by the opinion of many, would suggest that my coming forward was a mistake. I know in my heart that this is not the case. It was a life changing moment.

From an internal perspective I can say that the wisdom found in this portion of Covey's book is, indeed, timeless wisdom. When we admit our mistakes and fallibilities we become empowered. I thought I would quote the section that spoke to me so clearly during that crucial time in my life.

" the proactive approach to a mistake is to acknowledge it instantly, correct and learn from it. But not to acknowledge a mistake, not to correct it and learn from it, is a mistake of a different order. It usually puts a person on a self-deceiving, self-justifying path, often involving rationalization to self and others. This second mistake , this cover-up, empowers the first, giving it disproportionated importance, and causes far deeper injury to self.

"It is important to immediately admit and correct our mistakes so that they have no power over that next moment and we are empowered again."

Stephen Covey

I am so thankful that I had read that and that it had sunk deep into my heart. As tempting as it may be, cover up, deceit, justifying, blaming, or denying ones culpability is soul destroying. I had experienced both choices over the course of my life and can attest to the freedom that comes from an honest confession of our mistakes and weaknesses.

The truth, indeed, sets us free. It is the presumed subjectivity of what constitutes truth, however, where we often stumble.

Those who fight monsters...

" He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes upon you."

Nietsche

Several years ago this Nietsche quote was hung on my wall to remind me, as a cop, of my own capacity to engage in the actions and behaviours of those that I was investigating. This was particularly true in the world of undercover, where one has to be grounded when working in grey areas. Temptations, frustrations, ego, all conspiring together to bring good people to a place of darkness and despair. I truly believe that when we can come to the understanding of our own capacity for evil, while we may choose good, then we can come to a place of empathy and compassion for others. We want to deny the places in our hearts that are less than noble, our self centeredness, pride and arrogance and sense of entitlement: " I deserve....."

In denial, however, we can never come to a place of healing. about seven years ago I sent laminated copies of this quote to several undercover officers who were friends. They appreciated the reminder that when spending alot of time in the dragon's lair, how easily one can come to enjoy the surroundings and lose sight of who they truly are.

"What's so Amazing About Grace?"

It blows me away how the power of grace attracts interest. On Wednesday, prior to the resignation of Commissioner Zaccardelli, I wrote the previous blog with an honest heart. Averaging approximately 50 hits a day on this blog, in one day there was over 1000 as a result of a small article in the Edmonton Sun, and mention in a popular blog called "small dead animals". The apparent interest, by many folks, had to do with the issue of grace.

I often read blogs, web pages and opinion articles on political issues. What saddens me though is the aggressive and contemptuous language that is used to voice ones opinion about another persons behaviour.

Certainly there are times when we are called to be righteously indignant about wrongdoing. But who's righteousness are we tapping in to? In most cases it is our own, yet we feel that it is appropriate and proper to belittle, cajole, and villify the behaviour of others that we find wrong based on, in many instances, our own standard of right and wrong.

I've asked this question often, " why do we get so angry and upset because someone else's sin is different than our own?"

I used that word sin with my journalist friend the other day and she didn't much care for the word. She did not deny the existence of the dark side of humanity that lurks in us all, she just didn't like the word.

Okay, so why do we get so angry because someone else's dark side is manifested differently than our own? As I said in my previous blog, Mr. Zaccardelli will be experiencing the consequences of his own actions. But grace, when one has received it and experienced it to the extent that I have, gives me, not only the ability to extend it, but compels me to take the step and do so. That is "What's so amazing about grace" (an excellent book by Phillip Yancey)

I believe, we can only begin to understand what it means to receive God's grace, when we can come to terms with our own dark side, misdeeds, behaviours, vengeful anger, contempt, rage, jealousies, lusts, foolishness, deceit... and so on, turn from that nature, and choose to accept, by faith, God's free gift of atonement, found in Jesus Christ.

When we experience this freeing grace, then we can extend it. I can't extend grace to my enemies on my own strength. I can only do so when I have first experienced it.

Amazing Grace, How Sweet the Sound.

May God's grace prevail, may he have mercy on us all, including Mr. Zaccardelli.

Casting Stones

I woke this morning to an e-mail from Globe and Mail journalist Brent Jang letting me know that an article that he had written about my role as a private investigator in the Westjet - Air Canada feud was in print today. He also let me know that there was an extensive article on the Commissioner of the RCMP and his conflicting testimonies before the Parliamentary public safety and security committee.

When I bought the paper I was struck by the irony of my photograph being on the front page with the Commissioner. For those who know my public story with the RCMP, it would be safe to say that Commissioner Zaccardelli was highly influential in my forced resignation from the RCMP in 2002. So influential, that the Federal Court of Canada criticized his innapropriate involvement in my case as the Commissioner and overturned the decision, re-instating me to the RCMP.

When speaking with a friend from the media this morning, I was asked my thoughts on what is happening within the RCMP and in particular with the scrutiny that Mr. Zaccardelli is facing at the moment.

I have been honest about my own shortcomings on this blog, with nothing to hide or be ashamed of on my own journey. So, in all honesty I wanted to say, "what goes around comes around." Yet, I had to reflect at how cheap and vindictive this attitude is and could be if I were to allow it to fester into vengeful bitterness.

Taking the time to reflect, and yes, pray about this situation I am able to come to a place of empathy for the Commissioner. It is evident that indeed he seems to have been caught in the embarassing position of giving contradictory evidence before the committee. Facing increasing demands for his resignation, and a distancing of allegiance from the Prime Minister, it would seem that his fate is sealed.

But, what to do with how one feels about this? Examining the heart, mind and soul of the human condition, including my own, I am struck by how gleeful we can become when another person is held to account for their perhaps, less than noble actions, particularly if they have hurt us personally. Was Mr. Zaccardelli's actions all that different from the modus operandi of many public figures, business leaders, or anyone else for that matter?

Deceit, by way of omission or commission, is more common than most of us are even aware. Why do we become so indignant at the deception of others when we cannot see the deception that may be lurking in our own lives? I wonder if the indignancy of many of the more vocal MP's towards the Commissioner, comes more from a place of political point scoring than it does from a deep moral sense of right and wrong?

" Where do moral absolutes come from?" I asked my humanist friend this morning. " That's a good question" she replied. If moral absolutes do not come from God, then we are left with an individualistic understanding of right and wrong ( in other words we become our own gods) or we are at the mercy of the whims of the masses ( shaped by the more powerful, and possibly corrupt leaders of society.) Either way, moral right and wrong becomes fuzzy and subjective, and we justify, hide, deflect, bully, or use euphemisms to describe our behaviour.

I am all for experiencing the life giving grace of the consequences of our own actions. Painful as these consequences may be, they are often the springboard to new life and purpose if one slows down long enough to examine their own behaviour and wrestle with the nagging question of why we do what we do. Consequences can take place, however, without condemnation and villification.

Mr. Zaccardelli will be experiencing the consequences of his apparent misleadings to the committee. The instructions of my own moral compass, however, tells me that I cannot be happy about this. Rather I am called to have empathy and to pray for him. I much prefer this Way than the easier path that comes from the inclinations of my own dark side to condemn and take pleasure in his situation.

We all deserve empathy when coming face to face with the natural consequences of our behaviours. We all need to reflect that perhaps, if faced with the same pressures, circumstances, and life situation, that our own actions may not be that far off from those that we would be tempted to condemn. I prefer not to cast stones. In fact, if I were to be truthful, I can't.