Twelve Steps to Recovery

There is something that is both unnerving and exciting about posting ones musings on a blog for all to read. As I wrestle with my own questions and personal motivations as to why I even take the time to sit and write, I am embracing the freedom and finding the peace with the acknowledgement that I have no control over who may choose to take the time to read and either accept or reject what I have to say.

While in previous posts I have written about the healing of an individual, I will attempt in the next several posts to examine the reformation or recovery of the culture itself, that, of course, is made up of individuals.

Arguably, the most effective 'program' for transformational change in an individual struggling with addictions is the "twelve step" program. I have done some work with people that are in the program and I am familiar with similar programs designed to assist people in all areas of emotional, psychological, and spiritual struggle. The twelve step program is applicable to all who have lived in, or are experiencing relational dysfunction, not just those who struggle with addiction.

The idea came to me that the twelve step program could be applied to the ailments of a culture, corporation, or group in need of change. While I may use the RCMP as my contextual culture, it strikes me that this is not only applicable to all police services but it would also apply to other working entities struggling with low morale, poisonous environments, and general malaise. To be certain, there are some healthy areas within a policing culture, all of which are guided by strong and compassionate leadership.

The twelve steps is a recovery program that brings healing. That is my hope for an institution and profession that I care for very deeply. However, one of the most widely recognized characteristics of any successful twelve step journey is the ability to admit that there is a problem. This is why there is a requirement for those involved in the program to openly confess their problem- be that addictions, compulsions, or any other harmful dysfunctions. In contrast to a personal introduction, this twelve step journey may begin with a confession like this:

" I am the profession of policing made up of individuals struggling well or not so well with life. Like the individual, I have a good side, a noble side, and a redemptive side. I also have a dark side, a hurtful side, and a dysfunctioning side. I am on the road to recovery."

Please stay tuned for Step One.....

With a Rebel Yell.....

"A dead thing can go with the stream, but only a living thing can go against it." - G.K. Chesterton - Everlasting Man, 1925

One of the purposes of this blog is to challenge the traditional mindset of the cop culture, doing so from a position of respect and care, with the hope of encouraging change. When I speak of disillusionment the word actually means distancing oneself from the illusion. A few years ago, in my disciplinary decision for 'blowing the whistle' I was criticized by the adjudicating officer for 'leading a defiant lifestyle.' I was shocked, hurt, and exasperated with his assessment. This man did not know me, how could he possibly know what kind of lifestyle I led? My record was impeccable, I had received early and rapid promotions, and my file was filled with very positive evaluations. Certainly not evidence of a 'defiant lifestyle.'

Now, had he said that I was the type of person who would respectfully challenge the status quo and traditional methods of management and leadership, or ineffective policies and strategies, he would have been right. Calling that a 'defiant lifestyle' took a tremendous leap of logic, where the evidence would certainly not support the assessment.

What I learned through this experience is that many people are not comfortable with the questioning or challenging of poor or outdated, if not fundamentally wrong, modes of operation. The 'illusion' that is guarded , in many ways by abuse of power, administrative bullying, and sometimes, sadly, even subversive smear campaigns, is held by a fierce grip of control that does not let go easily.

Many cops, therefore, become 'dis' illusioned. I can now see that being disillusioned with my profession and organization was actually a good thing. I have grown from this and learned to embrace the side of myself that desires to reject the illusion.

I confess to the rebel within, and I encourage others to learn how to harness and positively feed that rebel spirit to bring about necessary and bold changes in their environment. The changes I speak of are changes where mutual respect, wise leadership, compassionate decision making, and working environments free of oppression and deception, become the norm and not the exception. Not exactly a position you might consider from someone leading a 'defiant lifestyle!'

A divine tap on the shoulder

I truly believe that I cannot talk about hope and healing without talking about God. I have purposefully chosen not to be overly "religious" in this blog. I really don't like that word, but the reality of our lives, whether we choose to acknowledge it or not, is that we are spiritual beings. Acknowledging that there is a God and He is not us is a great place to start when one is wrestling with the inevitable questions of purpose and meaning in life. Getting connected with the powerful life force that is God is a whole other process that comes from the desire to pursue those questions with relentless intent, discernment and an openness to learn and grow.

Disillusionment with your profession, your life, your own mistakes, or your leaders can serve as a wake-up call that God is tapping on your shoulder, trying to get your attention. He got my attention in a big way a few years ago, more a two by four over the head than a tap, and I couldn't help but listen.

While I would never cram a Bible down anyone's throat ( because if someone tried to do that to me years ago I would have written him off as a nutbar), I do encourage other hurting police officers to begin the process of consideration that there is something bigger than all of us that causes us to be here in this place and time.

You cannot separate the emotional from the spiritual. Changes of habits on the exterior are temporary changes. For any change to be lifelong it needs to begin on the inside. A change of heart and soul. The pursuit of goodness and truth is really the pursuit of God, the question we need to sometimes ask ourselves is whether or not we truly desire to pursue truth and goodness, as it can sometimes be a lonely and painful road to travel.

What's my motivation?

Several years ago I was a member of the RCMP's anti-terrorist unit, SERT, in Ottawa. This unit was highly trained and staffed with motivated and dedicated police officers. SERT was eventually replaced by an arm of the Canadian Forces entitled JTFII. Near the end of its existence SERT endured a large scale investigation into allegations of racism against francophone members, and insubordination. Part of these allegations came from a senior officer who had been placed in charge of the team during the time of transition from the RCMP to the military.

This officer had tremendous difficulty in gaining the respect of the team he was assigned to lead and in an effort to produce what seemed to be a fear based motivation to conform, once commented to several members of the team. " When I am working I ask myself would I be doing this same thing if that man was standing here? I do my work as if he is here all the time " The picture he pointed to was a picture of the Commissioner of the RCMP.

I tell this story not to sully the reputation of SERT, or the officer who made the comment, rather I am using this illustration to identify the danger of fear based leadership. This officer seemed to be motivated by either the idolization, or fear of, the Commissioner of the RCMP. For many officers there seems to be an intrinsic fear of: making mistakes, subjective discipline, or abuses of power.

If one's motivation for trying to do the right thing comes from a paradigm of fear, idolatry, power or personal ambition, then it is coming from the wrong place. These motivators will not sustain our health for the long term haul of life and career.

I have spent much of my life motivated by a combination of these unhealthy influences. Most of us have. Yet they will always leave us wanting. We are left with a sense of uneasiness, if not defeat. We become defined by our lack of courage in making decisions that are right and just. In short, we compromise. Compromising on doing what is right inevitably leads us into a downward spiral of mediocrity, self-centeredness, and despair.

The question then becomes; where is our compass in determining right and wrong? Do we point to a photo of a man in power, which is really nothing more than 'Comissioner-olatry'? Or do we look inward to that deeper sense of conviction, that intrinsic conscience that sometimes haunts us in those lonely hours of the morning when we can't sleep, something nudging us to acknowledge that things are not quite right and change is necessary. I encourage others to listen to that voice of conscience, for it is the voice of truth.

A dose of humor

While humor in policing can sometimes be very dark, it has and always will be a great stress relief for many officers. When I was a rookie we had cheat cards with the proper wording for an arrest and the reading of a suspects rights. I only wish that I had a cheat card with the following answers to the inevitable statements ( that seems to be an international phenomenon ) that a police officer hears when making an arrest.

No, I don't know who you are.
No, I don't care who you know.
Yes, you do pay my salary.
Yes, you can have my job.
No, I don't have anything better to do.
Yes, I arrest real criminals sometimes.
No, I'm not picking on you because you're _______.
No, I can't give you a break.
No, I don't know your friend.
Yes, you will be allowed to make a phone call.
Yes, you probably will never do it again.
No, we can't talk about it.
Yes, it does make me happy.
Yes, you will see me in court.

Taking oneself too seriously is hazardous to ones health!

With great power........

Recently, I was involved in an e-mail dialogue with several police officers as they voiced their frustration in their struggle to be heard by their senior managers. The frustrations of many agents of change is that they are at best ignored, and at worst bullied, by those given the responsibility to lead with integrity. This is, quite sadly, a reality of the dark underbelly of policing which drives many passionate police officers to a place of despair and frustration. That despair and frustration may manifest into unhealthy lifestyles and attitudes when not acknowledged and validated.

The leader of one of the largest police forces in Canada was reported to have said to his membership " make no mistake, I am not accountable to you." I was saddened when I heard this, yet not really surprised. When facing a crisis of leadership, many people resort to a command and control paradigm, by design or implication, in attempts to silence the voice of concern and dissent.

This is systemically a part of the para-military structure that police services are modeled under, and in highly charged and dangerous situations, a decisive command is often required. However, when dealing with human behaviour, attitudes, motivations, and more complex issues, command and control does not work. It only serves to further alienate otherwise passionate and dedicated police officers.

A true leader is one with compassion, who has an attitude of service towards those he or she may be leading. A thick skin, a soft heart, and a wise mind are necessary ingredients to effective leadership. Leadership is influence and influence cannot be commanded down. Influence is capturing the hearts and minds of those one may lead, through a life of integrity, honor and wisdom. This is the cry of many passionate police officers to their leaders, 'we will follow if we trust, we will follow if you show you care, we will not follow if you choose to rule with an iron fist, silencing those with legitimate concerns and passions.'

In the wise words of Spiderman's elderly uncle " with great power comes great responsibility." Accountability is a two way street. Leaders are accountable to those they have been given the responsibility to lead. Coming to the understanding of this timeless truth will bring the profession and environment of policing that much closer to a place of health and healing.

Great Expectations

In my desire to understand what causes burnout and disillusionment in the policing environment I have come to understand that we all have different expectations of ourselves, our environment, our leaders and our culture. Burnout involves unfulfilled expectations. Being worn down and tired out often occurs when something that we expected would take place, has not come about.

Often, unfulfilled expectations occur because those expectations have been too high. When we come to lower our expectations to more realistic ones, we are less likely to burnout.

I spoke with a member the other day and we spoke about the symptoms and manifestations of burnout. He asked me what I thought the first signs were. I told him that one of the signs comes when we think that if we do not get something done that it won't get done. We begin to think that we are irreplaceable in our position and we feel obligated to work harder and longer hours to achieve the goal of our position. His response was " well if I don't do this, it won't get done! We chuckled at that and he later let me know that he would think about what we discussed.

Feeling indespensible is a dangerous place to be. We place pressure on ourselves, our families and others around us as our stress mounts, our tempers are shortened, and we often find relief in unhealthy and unhappy places. We then become resentful of others who don't share our commitment or work ethic. That resentment turns into bitterness and this bitterness drains away healthy emotional energy.

Taking the time to understand that the investigation you are involved in, the cause you are fighting for, the role that you have undertaken, will all continue on if you were to not be there tomorrow, relieves stress and brings more balance to your life. Understanding our own limitations and shortcomings will help us be empathetic towards others, including our leaders who we may be in conflict with.

High expectations leads to frustration and burnout. No expectations means you have already burned out. Realistic expectations of self and others leads to balance and wisdom and health.

Success - what does it mean?

I met with a good friend today, a police officer struggling with life. We discussed what it means to be successful in policing and successful in life. It became quite evident to us that the standard of success is different for all of us and that the measurement that we often get trapped into in policing often has to do with promotion, rank, and position or function.

Another friend and I were speaking a few weeks ago about a mutual friend who is a retired mountie. I asked my friend how he was doing. " Great " he replied and went on to tell me about his financial success. The measurement of "great" became financial, and little to do with family, purpose in life, personal integrity, or loving relationships.

Steven Covey writes " most people spend their lives climbing the ladder of success, only to get to the top and realize that it is leaning against the wrong wall."

In our quest to "succeed" we ask ourselves how that is defined? What does it mean to us to have succeeded in life? Many of us have a different definition of success and spend much of our lives pursuing that definition. I would like to suggest a healthier and longer lasting definition for police officers who are struggling with their identity, purpose and meaning in life.

Who you are at your core will define your success. Who you desire to become will define your success. Virtues such as honor and courage, integrity and compassion, honesty and trustworthiness, depth of character and self-sacrificial love, service to others and working for a cause that is greater than our own comfort, pleasure or recognition; will mark the definition of true success in this life.

The re-evaluation of what it means to be successful marks the beginning of healing and change in our lives. Chasing the ever elusive standard of rank, position, material wealth,
power and recognition will leave you empty and frustrated as you discover that these standards will never bring peace or satisfaction into your life, and in fact if allowed to become obsessions, will often leave a wake of destruction behind you.

I say this from personal experience as my own measurement of what it means to be a success was challenged and my paradigm radically shifted. I encourage the profession and those within it to wrestle with the question of what it means to be a success. And I go on to challenge others : define who you are by immovable qualities that will far outlast any investigation you were involved in , rank you have achieved, or recognition you might have recieved.

Walk a Mile

"Do not criticize a man until you have walked a mile in his moccasins"
Native American Proverb

Most police officers are not known for their compassion. Social workers and those who would help the marginal in our society are often criticized by police officers as "bleeding hearts." A bleeding heart, of course, is someone that cops feel do not understand their difficult role, and in some ways they are right. I confess that I have become more of a bleeding heart as I age and ( hopefully ) mature.

This post of course is about police officers healing from their own traumas, worldviews, perceptions, and image. Therefore, as opposed to encouraging police critics to walk a mile in a cops shoes - and that mile is not a pretty strole in the park, I am challenging hurting cops to try to walk a mile in the shoes of those you have considered to be "them" in our "us and them" mindset.

Several years ago my understanding of life was turned upside down when I found myself counseling hurting, at risk teenagers, and adult men who were in trouble with the law and struggling with addictions. I needed to build trust with them in order to counsel, otherwise I was just another "cop" or authority figure who was more intent on judging them and stopping their behaviour as opposed to understanding them and encouraging change.

The stories that I heard from these people would make your heart break. Stories of abuse, abandonment, violence, hatred, and rejection. Many of them turned to drugs or alcohol to numb the pain. Many became involved in selling drugs so that they may gain status or power over their peers. All the while, searching for love and acceptance, from those that were closest to them. I saw them from a different perspective, and while I would not or could not condone law breaking, I could begin to understand. My eyes were opened to an area of many people's lives that would otherwise been blurred by my black and white judgment of their outward behaviour.

For police officers to heal from their own hurts and pains and culture, part of the process is to try to see people from a different perspective. To see them from a place of understanding of where they have come from; to walk a mile in their shoes.


That is not to say that a police officer should not do what they are paid to do, and that is to gather evidence for the prosecution of criminal activity, but it is to say that it can still be done with compassion.

De-humanizing of others can only lead to the further hardening of one's heart and this is the condition that police officers are in most need of healing. Taking the time to consider that the person on the other side of "us and them" is someone's son or daughter, brother or sister, husband or wife who may have been beaten and broken by lifes circumstances, is the beginning of empathy. Empathy is not a quality that is highly revered in policing, but it is one that is sadly missing. Empathy for others, including co-workers and other police officers who may be struggling, begins when we stop judging and attempt to walk a mile in their moccasins.

The inability to empathize with another is a warning signal that healing in our own hearts is needed.

A time to mourn - A time to cry

For everything there is a season - a time for every activity under heaven.

May we mourn, pray, and seek God's healing as we reflect on the sacrifices of the men and women, past, present, and future who place their lives on the line in doing their part to make this a better world.

For Constables Robin Cameron and Marc Bourdages

" God blesses those who work for peace, for they will be called the children of God." Matt 5:9

Who am I when I'm not a cop ?

The warning signs of burnout are quite visible to those around us, yet sometimes impossible for us to see in ourselves. Working longer hours, getting increasingly irritable, having an unhealthy balance in life priorities, sleeplessness, anger, drug or alcohol abuse... all of these can be signs or symptoms of burnout. Our bodies tell us when we are unbalanced in our life and our priorities.

Taking stock of life, taking a time-out from your identity as a police officer and seeking professional help is a beginning. There has always been a stigma attached to the idea of psychological/emotional therapy, particularly in the police culture. Once again it may be perceived as a sign of weakness which police officers are loathe to do. Yet in reality asking for help is a sign of courage.

I encourage police officers to once again begin with asking themselves questions. In particular, when facing depression, frustration or burnout, the following question may be helpful:

Who am I when I'm not a cop? Comprising a list of your roles is a beginning and may look like this.

My role as husband or wife or partner
My role as father or mother
My role as family member
My role in community
My role in friendships
My role in a position of influence

and so on.

The next question to ask is " how would those touched by my role describe how I am doing in that role."

This is a tough question, particularly when our lives are unbalanced. If your other, and in my view more important, roles are suffering as a result of your profession then you may be heading for burnout or worse. Re-assess, re-evaluate, and choose change so that when you ask the question " who am I when I'm not a cop?" You may be able to respond," I am Sue, or Frank, and I have value within my relationships outside of my profession."

If you are suffering from depression and lack of sleep please take the step of seeking out professional help. Talk to other cops who have come back from burnout or stress leave and ask them how they coped and what steps they took. Remove the stigma of asking for help. Some of the best cops I know have suffered from burnout or depression and have regained balance to go on to a healthier life and career.

Exposing the Sacred Cow - Part II

The legend of "cow tipping" is just that, an urban myth that suggests that some people engage in tipping cows over while they are sleeping which renders them unable to get up. It has been the subject matter of sitcoms, cartoons, and parody. While this may be legend, perhaps the imagery could be used to suggest that some cows just need to be tipped.

The emotions and understanding that come from the culture of policing are very complex. We come to understand the word pride as a good thing. Pride in the uniform and pride in the profession are oft heard statements of truth within the police culture. But it is this pride that becomes a double edge sword when it does not have an objective standard of goodness to compare it with. There are many things that I was personally involved in during my career in the RCMP that I am "proud" of. And there are many things that I am not proud of. There are many things that the profession could be proud of, and many that they certainly should not be.

In my view a more realistic view of the profession is a much healthier and balanced view. There is goodness and successes to be proud of and mistakes and tragedies to not be proud of. Both exist within any environment. An unrealistic and blind pride, in spite of the errors and fallibilities of the environment, places the protectors of the image into a defensive and combative position, or in a position where doing what is right becomes subservient to doing what looks good.

Make no mistake, I care deeply for the profession of policing and for the RCMP. I do so with my eyes wide open and my own wounds recovering. I do so with a realistic view of a noble profession comprised of people in all of their humanity, good, bad and ugly.

I unabashedly attempt to come from a Christian worldview, long ago lost, and by God's grace re-discovered in my despair and brokenness of a shattered image of my profession and my own identity. I thank God that the sacred cow of my previous worship, the false idol of RCMP image, had been tipped ( along with all of my other idols like self and ego) and I have entered into a worldview that helps me make sense of life, love, relationships, and even the profession of policing.

I hope to help others reframe their own worldview to one that brings a journey of peace and courage, honesty and truth, understanding and wisdom and most importantly freedom. Freedom from fear, freedom from oppression, freedom from darkness and despair, and freedom from the worship of their own sacred cows.

I have exposed the sacred cow of policing, the next step for many is to choose to engage in the sport of tipping.

Exposing the Sacred Cow

In an earlier post I made reference to the sacred cow of policing, which is, in my view, " the protection of image at all costs". I felt compelled to unpack that statement a little bit more as it is part and parcel of the healing process, individually and corporately. It is my intention for this blog to be about healing, and while it may sometimes be a bit more "warm and fuzzy, " at other times it may be a little more hard hitting. My motivation remains the same. I care.

Healing comes from the cultivation of goodness, or new growth, but often requires the removal of old mindsets and cultural beliefs, and this process can be painful to begin. Healing comes when truth is spoken within a motivating emotion of care and concern. I certainly don't claim to possess absolute truth, I do lay claim to committing my life to pursuing truth, and there lies the difference.

With that disclaimer... on to the sacred cow. Several years ago Paul Palango wrote two books on the politicization of the RCMP. His book The Last Guardians is an almost frightening, yet necessary, read as the average constable in Cranbrook B.C. ( or any other detachment across Canada ) , trying their best to do a very difficult job, has very little understanding as to what drives the purpose and corporate ethos of a very large machine.

One reason why many mounties would find it to be an objectionable read is that they may have attached their identities to their role, vocation, or false image of what it means to be a mountie. If the average police officer is not able to objectively evaluate criticism of their respective police force, and begin asking the tough questions of themselves and their organization, then the underlying worldview becomes one of institutionalization and corporate pride.

The RCMP Act itself bears witness to this premise as it makes it an offence for an RCMP officer to do anything which may criticize or "embarass" the force. This includes speaking, and/or exposing truth. Ironically when one exposes truth it is not their actions that causes embarassment. It is a shining of light on the actions/omissions/or policies that the police force should or may be rightfully embarrassed about. The correction of the actions or situation should be the focus of the organization's efforts but in most instances the bearer of critical truth becomes the object of the correcting mechanisms.

The ability to critically evaluate doing the right thing begins at the very top of the organization. The ability to admit ones mistakes begins at the top as well. Admitting a mistake however, can be perceived as weakness by some. How many memo's have I read ( or disciplinary and even judicial decisions) which read something along the lines of " this action undermines the public confidence in the ability of the (insert name of police force) to provide the service and protection they require."

This verbal rhetoric has been used in many cases to justify an autocratic and malicious handling of police officers who a) have either made an error in judgment or b) who have the courage to challenge the status quo and speak truth. What this statement is really saying is " we have to protect our image" and that is merely another way of worshiping the sacred cow, cloaked in the disguise of law and order.

What actions that may be deemed to undermine the public confidence then becomes a highly subjective and dangerous opinion, which begins at the top of the organization. If a leader has an opinion that an action needs to be remedied ( perhaps by an over reacting disciplinary process) , the question needs to be asked, what kind of accountability system is in place to ensure that the leader in question is acting with wisdom and objectivity?

How much more confidence in a policing organization would the public have if its leaders were able to be honest and forthright about their own and its own fallibilities.
To be able to admit that, as with any organization made of people, that mistakes will be made; rank does not automatically impart wisdom; autocratic decisions and structure, and command and control methods of management do not work; objective truth cannot be hidden; and mutual accountability, regardless of rank or service, is a spiritual truth that transcends the sacred cow and the actions or opinions of those willing to worship it.

What a refreshing and authentic method of providing a policing service. In this way, the media does not become the enemy, civilian oversight does not become the enemy, criticism and accountability does not become the enemy and a dissenting voice is one to be heard.

The question for hurting or confused, or even angry police officers ( whether they are angry with their organization or angry with me for writing this ) can be this " have you been worshipping the sacred cow?" and in a shameless theft from Dr. Phil...
" how's that working for you?"

For policing to heal, the idol of image and institution must be replaced by objective truth, goodness, and corporate humility. This is not a change of leadership gurus ( like Steven Covey) to read or follow, cliche policing ( " community based policing" - "intelligence lead policing") to adapt, or media strategies to develop. It is a corporate soul change that begins with the leaders of government and institutions at the top. This is a long road. But it is the only road worth travelling.

The Credit in Life

A few years ago I found myself at a place of defeat. The battle to make a difference that I seemed to be engaged in had taken its toll and I resigned myself to mediocrity and status quo. One too many " who does he think he is" comments had penetrated deeply and I finally looked in the mirror one day and said " they're right, who do I think I am." So I began to go through the motions, recognizing that many police officers could go through a career relatively unscathed, not rocking the boat, believing that they can't make a difference and come out the other end with the handshake, the embossed badge and a decent pension. Keep your head down and wear beige was the mantra of some.

Then one day , an empathic friend who had also been in the trenches gave me a copy of the following Theodore Roosevelt quote. I gained strength and vigor from this quote. I got back into the arena. It also drove home to me the immense power of the written word and in the spirit of the movie Pay It Forward I had also passed this on to many friends who cared enough to make a difference and were paying the price. It is not the lazy man or woman who burns out, rather it is those with fire and passion that end up in the battle. This quote is for them. If you are reading this and cannot relate to " the man ( or woman ) in the arena" then you have a choice. Get in the arena, or criticize from the sidelines. In life there is no middle ground. For all those cops in the arena, my hat is off to you and my heart is thankful.

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.

The paradox of policing

I was saddened to read the newspaper today. Come to think of it I am saddened every day to read the paper. The two primary articles on the front page of the Edmonton Journal featured cops and violence, in two very different, yet equally tragic set of circumstances.

The first article highlighted the very real danger that police officers face every day they don the uniform. Two mounties were shot and in serious condition in Saskatchewan. We don't at this point know why, or how, it happened. A manhunt is on for the shooter, an obviously very troubled man, who, by all descriptions would be very easy to revile. I was struck by the sympathy and support of his family who publicly reached out in sorrow to the RCMP victims, their families, and co-workers. Indeed, it would seem, that their own hearts must be breaking as they think of their son, on the run, hunted like an animal, scared, confused, hardened and full of hate. The question begs to be asked. As a five or ten year old boy, playing, laughing, learning, did anyone believe that this would be his destiny? What went awry? What circumstances in his own life caused him to become what he is today? So many questions. Questions most people don’t ask, or don’t care to ask, as we often thirst for justice, if not vengeance and believe that this will bring healing.

The next story involved allegations of assault by members of the Edmonton Police Service. “ New Charge of Police Brutality” the headline screamed, seeming to ride the wave of public discontent over situations of apparent excessive force during the Whyte Avenue celebrations of the Oilers Stanley Cup run.

A carjacker was taken down after a short police chase and an Edmonton Journal reporter observed several officers subduing the male, with he and other witnesses describing excessive kicking and punching, as they did so. The man then suffered what has been called “ a medical episode” and the police began to perform CPR on him. Edmonton Police Service Chief Mike Boyd has called in the Calgary police to investigate. As an added irony to the intertwining of these stories (and they do relate to one another) the EPS did not ask the RCMP to investigate this occurrence; their normal course of action in these situations, due to the manpower strain in the Spiritwood, Saskatchewan manhunt.

There is a tension in these two stories that is difficult to reconcile. Clearly in the first story there seems to be a cut and dried “ good guy/bad guy” situation. It is much easier to cheer, hope and pray for the RCMP members full recovery and then turn our sights on to the perpetrator of these acts, and perhaps get caught up ourselves into a cycle of hate that can tend to feed itself in group anger and confusion and sometimes dangerously spiral into a pack mentality that is certain to have negative consequences. Perhaps this was the dynamic at play in the second story.

In my own naivite and worldview it used to be quite a simple issue of lawful acts and unlawful acts, cops and criminals, us and them. My worldview, of course, has since been shattered and I have found it necessary in my quest for answers to come to understand the essence of the human condition.

Good and evil can no longer be delineated by a uniform, a judge’s robe, a pastor’s pulpit, or a journalists pen. Good and evil cuts through each and every one of us. With our internal desire for goodness comes our capacity and propensity for evil. This is the struggle of the human heart. It always has been and always will be.

The quest for redemption often comes in our times of trauma. Consequences of our own actions can be used as a wake up call. A call that tells us that something is seriously wrong inside and I need change, a soul change. Consequences often come from the physical actions of our anger and hatred. Our laws protect others from those actions, often resulting in penalties designed to deter and, hopefully, rehabilitate.

There will be consequences for the man who shot the police officers. There will be consequences for police heavy handedness.

Consequences are a good thing. I have gone through many myself, deservedly so. Thoughts and actions of vengeance and hate and malice towards another human being ( whether they be a police officer or a gunman ) are not desires for justice or natural consequence. They are, however, reminders for all of us of our own capacity to inflict pain and suffering on another human being, our own capacity for evil, whether that be in thought or deed. They are reminders of the dark side of our own humanity in desperate need of healing.

This is why I choose to support officers going through the pain and alienation of police disciplinary actions. Helping one face and come through the natural consequence of their own actions and behaviours brings hope and healing. Writing an officer off because they have messed up just continues the cycle of anger, frustration and bitterness… and has no redemptive quality to it, other than possibly protecting the sacred cow of policing; the protection of image at all costs. That is not justice, that is pride, and in the words of C.S. Lewis “ pride leads to every other vice.”

May justice prevail in these two stories, but more importantly, may mercy prevail all the more.

Saran Wrap

Do you remember when your heart first began to harden? It was likely in your rookie year when cynicism began to creep in and the lines were drawn between "dirt bags" and "us". I have often thought about how I came from begin a decent and soft natured young man at twenty to a hardened and cynical cop at thirty five. Having lost my heart and soul for many years I pondered whether it was an immediate donning of the armour around my heart or whether it was more gradual.

I began to visualize this process as a protection of sorts. When we look at the power and impenetrability of saran wrap when it is layered over and over, this seemed to me like a helpful visual of what had taken place. While the saran wrap layers likely began much earlier in life, I suspect that the daily grind of policing caused a continual wrapping of the layers.

I remember doing my first "bar walk" in uniform and for the first time was very aggressively called an "f'ing pig". Twenty years old and pimple faced I stood.... not sure how to respond but knowing I should not back down. Why do I remember this twenty five years later? Obviously it had an effect on my heart. The wrapping began.

Through the years of confrontation on the streets, and confrontation within my policing "family" the layers built up. The first time I found a co-worker taking notes on me, due to some professional jealousy, I was crushed. Another layer of saran wrap and another incident seemingly designed to bring my trust level down and my hardness of heart up.

How many good cops will tell you that the biggest stressors in policing are the internal politics, backstabbing, gossip, and even career sabotage. When crisis hits, our leaders will speak of policing as a "family". I cringe whenever I read or hear of that descriptor. In reality if we are a family then we can certainly confess to our dysfunction can't we?

Thankfully, within that family, one finds other hearty souls who, while still flawed, have a goodness at their core. Kindred spirits if you will, who may laugh and cry, support and celebrate with you. How blessed I was to have many in my career. How blessed I am to have had some of them help me cut through the saran wrap to a restoration of goodness and hope. How about you? Have you considered how thick that saran wrap may be now? Do you desire to pierce through it so that you may love and care again?

The Road Less Travelled

Welcome, fellow pilgrims, to a place where police officers may dare to journey on the road less travelled. I launch this blog with some trepidation as it is often very difficult, if not dangerous, to speak of issues long suppressed within the profession of policing.

I have walked a difficult journey of burn-out, depression, chaotic living, disillusionment, whistleblowing, malicious persecution and redemption. I have shed many tears and fought many battles. My passion for justice and truth has been honed through trial and suffering and, by God's grace, it has brought me to health and wholeness.

Through this journey I have a developed a passion to helping others navigate similar dark waters and thus the forming of this blog.

My story ( and we all have a story ) has been very public and I will share it in more depth in future posts. Many police officers know my story. The irony is that while many have cheered and supported, many others have maligned and criticized. Such is life when you choose the road less travelled.

My desire for this blog is that it will be a place of dialogue, support and hope, for hurting cops out there, and there is more hurt than many of us know. I have numerous friends in the profession. Many others have called me out of the blue for advice or support as they go through the sausage grinder that is the police disciplinary process. I have friends suffering from PTSD who have made mistakes and errors in judgment ( don't we all?), and yet are now discarded and villified by a system and ethos that is often heartless and cruel. My heart breaks for them and I choose to care.

This site is for them and the hundreds - if not thousands- of others out there who are, perhaps, overcommitted, overworked, frustrated, disillusioned and in desperate need of balance and insight.

One cop suicide is too many. One cop destroyed by addiction is too many. One family torn apart by the stressors of "the job" is too many. It's time for cops to care. It's time to take off the macho mask ( male and female ) and admit our frailties and vulnerabilities. It's time to stand up to bully bosses and deception, and it's time to recover the heart and soul of a noble and courageous profession. I am committed to doing my part in that process. Please pass this blog on to other police officers and their families. Please join me on this journey.